Success!

So, I don't have much time to write, but I thought I should report on tonight's meeting! I'm down three more pounds which is a total of 17! So, hopefully by next week I can post my 20 pound picture!

I really have to run, but I'll post again in a few days!

A new day!

I'm happy to report that I am doing much better since my last long, depressing post! No more bingeing and I'm eating healthy and exercising again! The scale is showing some pretty good results too, so I am kind of excited for Thursday's weigh in!

On Friday, after I calmed down, I set a few more goals for this week.

1. Plan Five New Menu Items- I sometimes feel like I eat the same things every day so I decided to add some more foods into the rotation.
2. Stop eating before 9 - I tend to have my last snack of the day around 10 or 10:30, which is just in general a bad idea! So... no more!
3. Write a letter to myself. I've heard about this before but I've never really done it. After my bad day last week, I kept thinking a lot of things about my weight and my eating habits. Before the end of this week I intend to write some of those things down! I'm sure I'll post it too!

Apart from these goals, I revamped my work out plan. It was good for a couple of weeks but I kind of got bored so I decided to make some changes. First of all, I always do cardio in the morning. Before, I would do cardio in the morning a few days a week and do it in the even the other days. Then, I would do strenghtening every day in the morning or evening as well. Now, I do cardio in the mornings and three days a week I do strenghtening in the evening. The other two days I do more cardio. Then I have Sundays and Thursdays off. I realize this is confusing... so this is what it actually looks like:

• Sunday: No Exercise.
• Monday: Morning Cardio, Evening Arm Strenghtening
• Tuesday: Morning Cardio, Evening Cardio
• Wednesday: Morning Cardio, Evening Cardio
• Thursday: No Exercise
• Friday: Morning Cardio, Evening Leg Strenghtening
• Saturday:Morning Cardio, Evening Ab Workout

So for now this is good. I will probably change it up a little bit in a couple of weeks, just to keep it interesting.

I'll try to update again before Thursday! I think this blog really helps! Hope everyone is having a good week!

I don't know where to begin. Today marks the end of the third week of this diet, (I know I don't like that word, but its easier to type than anything else), and up until today I was doing great! I was eating really well, exercising every day, and feeling really healthy. And I was losing really well. I was twelve pounds down and really happy about it.

So, this week, I worked just as hard. I counted calories and did all of my goals, so in theory I should have lost really well. Two days ago I was three or four pounds down from the last official weigh in. But the past couple of days, even with good workouts and eating habits, I have slowly put some of that back on. This morning, when I weighed myself, I was only a half a pound under what I was at fat club last week.

That stressed me out.

I went to the mail box a little while later, and found my cell phone bill. $383!! Are you kidding me? Apparently I used an unbelievable amount of data, which I find suspicious seeing that I hardly ever use the internet on my phone, and defienitly not any more than I have in the past!!

That stressed me out.

Also in the mail was my fall preview statement from Malone. It was way higher than I anticipated. The same thing happens every summer, and God always takes care of it. But it still makes me nervous.

And it stresses me out.

So okay, all of that happened but I was still okay. I ate a piece of candy and had a few more grapes than I should have, but I was still under control. I kept thinking thing like "I can binge today and get right back on this diet tomorrow." But then I would remind me that that is how Satan wants me to think. So at that point I was still okay.

I went to the Fat Club and was pleasantly surprised to learn that I lost two pounds for a total fourteen. My goal was three, but compared to the half a pound I was expecting, I was pretty happy. I always forget that her scale is a little bit different than mine.

Okay... so at this point I should have been off the hook. I lost weight... and I know that everything else will be fine but I guess that wasn't enough to stop me from going off the deep end! Wendy, my Grandma and I went to Wendy's for dinner, which I am happy to say is becoming a fun tradition. I added a baked potato to my salad, which should have been the first sign of trouble.

Afterwards I went back to Wendy's house and then drove home. To get home, I pass both of the fast food restaurants in my town, so as soon as I pulled out from Wendy's house I started thinking about what I could buy at Mcdonalds to binge on.

I knew that I shouldn't... but sometimes that just doesn't matter. Sometimes people fail to listen when I try to explain that I am truly addicted to food. If I started binge drinking... they would believe I was an alcoholic, and if I stared smoking crack, well... you know. But when I say that sometimes my need to overeat is so strong that I can't control it, people assume that I am being dramatic.

A double hamburger, small order of fries and Rollo McFlurry is all the proof that I need that I am not being dramatic at all.

My binge didn't end there... but I wont go into details. Luckily, my mom has been keeping junk food out of her house, so I didn't do as bad as I could have done, but I still feel guilty and disgusting and scared.

I'm scared that when I wake up tomorrow this diet will be over. I'm scared that all of the hard work that I've put in the past few weeks was worthless. But most of all, I am scared that there is something so powerful that has control over me and that I may never really regain control of myself.

I'm not sure this binge is even over. But I am pretty sure that I got it out of my system. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes... wish me luck?

Tick Tick Tick

Experts say that it takes about 21 days to make a habit. Thursday will mark the 21st day that I haven't gone on a bingeing spree, so hopefully I can make it that long and kiss my bad habits goodbye.

Lately though, I feel like I could slip into binge mode at any moment. I know that if I have just one cookie, I'm done.

I went shopping with my Dad, and once again I tried to think of something good that I could get... for desert or a treat, that I wouldn't binge on.... nothing. I can honestly say that if it has sugar, I will binge.

So for now I'm gonna try to resist temptations... we will see how it goes.

Pa tate oh's Pa tot oh's

So, this is what I had for dinner tonight... sort of. After not eating all day, and having a successful weigh in at the Fat Ranch (more on that later), Wendy and I went to Wendy's Restaurant where once again I had an amazing salad followed up with a Vanilla cone from McDonald's.

After coming home and calculating my total caloric intake for today, I realized that I was well under the amount of calories I've been aiming to eat in a day. (1200-1500) So, I did what any lover of food would do, I did the math and found out that I could have a couple of baked potatoes, and still only be at about 1100 calories.

One reason I uploaded these pictures is that, the potato sack said that one potato is 110 calories. See the problem? One potato is clearly three times the size of the other! So, I'm hoping that the big potato is the one with 110 calories and the little one is more like... 70? Who knows?

Another reason that I added this picture is that it is kind of a metaphor for this whole diet thing. On the left, is who I am, large and awkward. On the right is who I want to be, little... skinny...petite? Okay that was lame...

Uhh anyways. I went to fat club tonight, as I mentioned before, and I lost 5 more pounds!!! So... that's 12 total! I've decided to photograph myself after every 10 pounds... so here is a picture from tonight! I'm still just as fat as the last time, which is obviously to be expected, but hopefully after a couple more pictures, the difference will be evident!

I have some other things I want to start writing about so maybe I'll do that tomorrow!? But for now, have a nice night! Happy Eating!

Finding Balance

One thing that has always been important to me while on a diet, is that I find balance in my eating habits. As tempting as it is to eat 400 calories a day, and exercise non stop, so that I will lose all of this weight really fast, I know that it's not realistic, and definitely not something that I can maintain for the rest of my life.

I try to avoid calling this a "Diet" because the concept of being on a diet is really stupid for a couple of reasons. First of all, everyone is on some sort of a diet. The word diet simply refers to the way that a person eats. So, even during times when I eat sugar for every meal, I am on a diet. Another reason "Dieting" is stupid, is that when people go on new diets, they typically hit their goal weight and then go right back to the way they used to eat. And then they gain weight, which is why I'm trying to make realistic changes to the way that I eat so that I can not only lose the weight that I want to lose, but also be healthy for the rest of my life.

The past couple of nights, I have had a couple of challenges. On Saturday, my dad decided that he wanted to order Pizza for dinner. Luckily, I had been eating well enough that I could have some of it. However, instead of eating my usual four pieces, I had two and I cut out my night time snack. Not only was I satisfied after the pizza, but my whole diet wasn't wrecked like it could have been.

Last night, my mom wanted to make steak and rice for dinner. So, I ate appropriate portion sizes and added a salad. Once again, I had a good meal without being unhealthy.

I'm trying to control my diet instead of letting it control me. I want to get to a place where eating is something that I do to stay alive, not something that I do to achieve happiness or comfort, or something that I avoid doing to improve the way I look.

It is all just part of this journey that I'm on... I'll let you know when I eventually find that kind of Balance.

Victory!

I just got back from the big fat club meeting! I was thrilled when I stepped on the scale and found out that I lost seven pounds. I was aiming for five, so it was really great! I think it is just the motivation I need to stick to this diet for a while!

For the main part of the meeting me and Wendy (who also lost seven pounds) were the only ones in attendance. We weighed in, and talked about goals and rewards before heading down to Wendy's, the restaurant for dinner. Just recently I was mourning the fact that I couldn't eat the oh so good, calorie packed, spicy chicken sandwiches from there. Well, tonight I discovered that they have spicy chicken Cesar salads. So good!

After that we headed over to Mcdonalds for some fat free frozen yogurt, more proof that eating right doesn't have to be painful.

On the way back home, I stopped back at Mcdonalds. My original plan was to get a small frappachino, but since I had the ice cream I decided to go for a sugar free vanilla iced coffee instead. With only 90 calories, it is pretty much guilt free, and a nice way to end my first week on a diet.

This week, I added two new goals to my list. First of all, I made a new exercise routine that I plan to stick to. It consists of about a half an hour of cardio a day plus a half an hour of either pilates or weights. Also, I want to get on a good sleep schedule this week. Adding structure is absolutely necessary if I want to build a healthy lifestlye.

So, I'm happy and motivated! I'm going to take my dog on a short walk, and then hit the sack so that I can get my crazy sleeping habits under control!

Bye!!!

Okay so I had a Cookie...

Tonight for dinner, my mom and I walked to Subway (which is like a forth of a mile away) for dinner. I love how good Subway is, and how healthy it can be!

I hadn't really had a lot to eat before that so when my mom decided to buy five Subway cookies, I knew I would be able to have one.

Although I'm sure some of you may think that this is ludacris, who eats cookies on a DIET, I think that it was a diet victory. I had ONE cookie, instead of all five and I ate the cookie because I wanted a cookie, not because I was on an out of control binge and couldn't stop myself.

Good day for health, good day for happiness!

Here is a playlist of some of the music I've been listening to during my workouts! It is by no means an exhaustive list, but it is full of music that keeps me energized! If you have any suggestions about music to add I'd love to hear them!

Taco Tuesday!

Here we are, day five! They say that the first three days are the hardest, but I'm not so sure that's true. I think the hardest days are yet to come, but for now, this diet thing is going pretty well.

I think I have a pretty good routine worked out, and since I love following schedules, it's been really good for me:

Wake up

Eat breakfast- I've been having cheerios and fruit or a fruit and yogurt parfait. The key is the fruit.

Exercise for about 30 minutes.

Lunch a few hours later- Vegetables are the key here!

Around 5 I have a snack, so fruit or carrots or yogurt.

Dinner is between 6 and 7

Then I have a snack around 9:30 or Ten.

I realize that this schedule isn't perfect, and it certainly won't last once I get back to school, but I've noticed that it has led to a few other habits.

First of all, I've been drinking a lot of water. My morning workout leaves me so thirsty! I probably drink about 5 bottles a day. Also, I've only been letting myself have one can of Diet Coke a day, at dinner time, but it tastes so much better now that I'm not throwing back one after another like I had normally done.

Also, I have a lot more energy lately, which causes me to actually want to exercise in the evening. All in all, I probably exercise for about an hour a day, which just gives me more motivation to eat better. It's a cycle, which is much better than the "Binge, Depression, Binge" cycle that my body is used to.

I feel really good and happy, which is undoubtedly a result of the healthy choices that I've been making. I don't really understand how I allow myself to walk around like a zombie most of the time, when feeling better is actually pretty easy. I suppose that's what addiction does to you, right?

Oh that reminds me, I keep thinking about looking up books about addiction on the library website. The problem is that, if I get books about food addiction, it will highlight to the librarian that I'm fat. If I just get books about regular addiction, I will be labeled as a crack head.

I weigh in in about two days! I'm excited for the next meeting of Fat Club and I think I'll do well!

Before I go I want to leave you with a recipe that I created for dinner tonight... Its a healthy version of taco salad, it was so good!

Ingredients:

- One pound of ground turkey.

- One packet of Taco Bell taco seasoning.

- Lettuce

- Grape Tomatoes

- One onion

- Reduced fat Taco Cheese

- Salsa (I used Paso)

Instructions:

Okay so, basically, it is made just like normal tacos, except instead of ground beef, which has tons of fat and calories, you use turkey which is much better for you. You brown the turkey, add the seasoning, add about a handful of cheese, and then add as many vegetables as you want! Also, the whole jar of salsa only has 140 calories, so feel free to use as much of that as you want too! Oh, and lose the shell, it has more calories than it is worth!

I know what you are probably thinking. "Turkey? Yuck!" but I promise you, I've been replacing ground beef with turkey a lot lately, and you can't tell the difference at all. My mom opted out of the turkey tacos until I confessed to her that the meatloaf I made for dinner a few weeks ago was made out of turkey, she was shocked...

Anyways, I hope this post isn't too long and boring. I will be sure to update you on Thursday after the big meeting/weigh in!

Day one and then Some.

(This pretty much happened to me once.)

At about 12:30 a.m on Friday morning, I walked over to my cousin Emma's bag of parade candy, picked up a piece...and then realized that I couldn't have it. I didn't even really want the candy... it was just a habit, but the deprivation that I felt at that moment is something that I have become to familiar with over the years of dieting that I have done.

I put the candy back, and went to bed. The next morning, the deprivation continued.

I ate really healthy yesterday, oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, turkey for dinner, and I got a lot of good exercise while cleaning out the toy room at my Grandma's.

The whole day, I just kept thinking "I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like this, I can't be miserable just because I'm not bingeing." I really want to make changes that will last forever, but it's hard not to go overboard when I so desperately want to lose weight.

So, although my diet went well, my mood sucked!

Today has been better though. I haven't spent the whole day thinking about the things I can't eat. I think that keeping busy will be the key.

I woke up today and got in my 30 minutes of exercise and I've already had a ton of water and fruits and vegetables. Sticking to this weeks goals is going to be easier than I expected. I might try to make some more challenging goals for next week. Walk my dog three times a week? Climb Mt. Everest? Who knows!

In the next few days, I know I will start to feel healthier and more energized so for now all of the negative feelings I have about being on a diet are worth it.

Hopefully the next few days will go just as well. I want to be five pounds down by next Thursday. I haven't been weighing myself, because I want the reward of seeing my new weight after a week of dieting.

I'll post again in a couple of days! I hope all of my dieting friends are doing well!

In the Beginning

Well, here it is. I have to admit that I'm bigger than I thought! Yuck! Not only is this a hideously huge picture of me, but tonight when I stepped on the scale... I was about ten pounds bigger than I thought, which is really discouraging.

Tonight was the first meeting of "The Ranch" a.k.a. fat club. So far..so good. We each made a few goals to concentrate on this week.

Mine were:

1. Eat fruits and vegtables every day.
2. Get up in the morning and exercise for 30 minutes.
3. Drink water, and lots of it.

I tried to make goals that were realistic. I know that I'm not going to exercise three hours a day for the rest of my life... so I'm not even going to try. Eventually, once I gain more energy I'll work up to more.

Tomorrow is the big day. As I've mentioned before... I'm nervous.

I think that I have just failed so many times, that I don't have a lot of confidence that I will succeed this time.

I feel like a drug addict, except instead of being addicted to cocaine or alcohol... I'm addicted to a drug that I have to feed my body every day. That's why I'm so nervous. Food addiction is a monster that nobody can understand unless they have experienced it.

I know how to lose weight. I know that bananas have 110 calories and apples have 80. I know that french fries are full of grease and sugar is ...well sugar.

What I haven't been able to figure out though... it how to defeat the monsters in my mind that want me to stay fat. The ones who crave carbohydrates and constantly remind me how long and hard this journey is going to be.

When I wake up tomorrow, I'll be continuing the most difficult battle of my life. Maybe I'll have success, or maybe I'll fall flat on my face..but either way I have to try.

When I look back at the picture at the top of this page I want to be able to say that she is the girl that I used to be.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated, and I will be sure to update tomorrow to fill you in on the first day!

The Last Meal

Okay so, I was going to call this post "The Last Supper" because that is obviously more catchy than "The Last Meal", however, I thought the last meal was more appropriate, given that it is what they call the final meal for inmates on death row.

And thats what I'm on...death row.

I went shopping with my parents tonight (bad situation when I'm trying not to by comfort food), and filled my cart with all the food that I plan to eat on this grand "diet" that I'm about to endure.

My goal was to avoid buying any food that I would binge on. The result of this goal is that I realized that, with the right amount of stress, I will binge on just about anything. I ended up getting enough "healthy" food to last me for awhile, but since I still have about 24 hours until the big day, I've been planning out exactly what I'm going to indulge on tomorrow.

So, here it goes:

- Breakfast- is pretty open, cereal?

- Lunch- Potato Skins, covered in sour cream. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

- Dinner- I have a lot of options for this, but I'm thinking fast food. It's probably the worst thing that I could ever eat, so I better get it out of my system.

- Other- I need to make sure to get cappichino, and a bunch of chocolate.

Okay, thinking about this food actually makes me feel sick. Tonight for supper I had these amazing chicken wings from Walmart and a big bowl of strawberry shortcake (hence the picture). But worry not, by the morning I'll be ready to go for my last day of good food.

In other news... I bought new headphones today... a must have if I'm going to do any exercise!

I realize that this was probably the most boring post I ever could have written, but it needed to be done. I'm surprisingly excited to start this new lifestyle, no matter what I may be leaving behind!

My Journey Thus Far

Alright, so I decided that I should officially start this blog by writing about my weight loss journey so far... which inevitably has started and stalled with weight gain.

There was a point in my life where I realized I was fat... not just chubby, not just slightly overweight but fat. I was probably in about forth or fifth grade when I realized that I was bigger than other kids but it wasn't until I was in middle school that a doctor told me that I needed to lose weight. This was the first time that I made an attempt to lose weight. I was on my school's basketball team so, with all of the exercise, I lost about ten pounds. Unfortunately, I put it all back on plus some, as soon as the season was over.

When I was fourteen, my parents separated and I was left to take care of all of my nutritional needs on my own. This was the first time I went on a diet. Looking back, I wasn't nearly as fat as I thought and the effects this diet had on my metabolism are probably a big part of why I've gained so much weight over the past few years. Nonetheless, I once again lost a little weight on that diet...and once again I put it all back on.

Soon after, I started dieting with my Aunt Wendy, who has been my diet buddy ever since. We joined a club called T.O.P.S. and for the first time, I was actually losing weight. I lost about 35 pounds and I felt better about myself than ever.

This weight loss hit it's peak during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years of high school. I remember being on vacation, in a two piece bathing suit and for the first time in my life I didn't feel self-conscious. I didn't love my body but I felt comfortable being around my family without covering up, like I had normally done.

At the end of that summer I went on a huge shopping trip. I bought a whole new wardrobe of smaller, more stylish clothes than I had warn in years. Going back to school, I was constantly being complimented on how good I looked, which boosted my self confidence tremendously.

Something happened though, I let my guard down. One cookie lead to one pack of cookies. One pound led to ten... and slowly but surely I ballooned up to a weight that my body had never seen before.

Since then, I've tried it all. Weight Watchers, Curves...all of it. I've lost weight...and then gained it, and I've decided that this time I am going to do it. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being uncomfortable, unenergized, and depressed.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to meet with another support group. Hopefully this time it will be different. My "diet" starts on Friday, and although I'm nervous, I'm determined to succeed this time, once and for all!

Before I go, I just wanted to share a blog with you guys. It's called 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat, and it is amazing! The author is so real and honest and it is hilarious!

Check it out!: http://101reasonsihatebeingfat.blogspot.com/