Okay guys... okay. For real this time, I'm going on a diet. I know I say that every Monday of my life, but I mean it this time.

I'm tired of being so fat, and all of the things that come with being fat.

I'm angry that boys only talk to my skinny friends, I'm jealous that I can't fit into good clothes, and I'm ashamed to be the most overweight Community Health Major in the history of the world.

It's time.

This time around my friend Brooke and I (who's in the picture above this), are in it together. We have a plan.

My favorite part of the plan? If I get dessert, Brooke is going to tackle me onto the cafeteria floor and throw it in the trash. I'll do the same for her.

This could get interesting...

I think the saying that "Silence speaks volumes", fits very well in this situation. As you can guess, I have fallen off the wagon. More that that, I've fallen off, rolled down a cliff, and landed in a ditch full of chocolate, cookies, cake... and everything else that I shouldn't be eating.

It has been bad. I can't sugar coat it, because I've eaten all of the sugar.

I stepped on the scale a few days ago and the damage wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but it wasn't great either. I've only gained about five pounds from my lowest... but... had I stuck to the plan, I would be about forty pounds lighter than I am now.

How disgusting.

My plan is to start over on Monday. But I'm not making any promises. I will try to keep you updated.

A Holistic Life

There are times in life when I just feel like something has to give. If am eating healthy, and have good relationships with others, my time is taken away from God, and my spiritual life suffers. If I'm spending all of my time with God, or with friends, then I have no time for healthy living. It's kind of a catch 22.

I really believe that a well rounded, holistic life is the best life possible, so much so that I am double majoring in Health (physical) and Psychology (emotional). I think that a healthy body leads to a healthy mind, and a healthy mind leads to healthy lifestyle choices that lead to a healthy body.

This week, my goal is to live this kind of life. I am going to surround myself with positive people, fuel my body with healthy foods, and spend my free time talking to God.

I'll let you know how it goes! :-)

Let Me See You Sweat!

I just finished one of Bob Harper's Biggest Loser workout videos. My legs hurt, my abs hurt, and nothing sounds better then the blueberry cheesecake that was staring up at me today in the cafeteria! Despite all of that, I have to say that I feel great! I love the soreness that comes after a good workout, which is good since it's a familiar feeling these days.

Over the past two weeks, I've been working out... a lot. I've gotten a few of my friends to jump in on the healthy living band wagon, which has helped me to stay motivated. Almost every day someone shows up asking me when we are going to work out! Exercising with friends is so much better than exercising alone!

On Monday night, all of the $1.00 exercise classes start on campus. That means, instead of going to the dreadful wellness center or doing a boring DVD, I get to do Pilates and Zumba! I'm indescribably excited!

Before I stop writing, to go soothe my aching muscles, I need to update you on my week without meat! I thought this week would be hard, but who knew that a vegetarian lifestyle could be so easy!?

My cafeteria has veggie burgers that are so good that I may never go back to real beef! I've learned to be creative about salads too!

I'm not sure that I feel any healthier since I stopped eating meat, but I'm thinking about giving it up a little longer to see if I can feel any differences!

Welp, I have piles of homework to do, and I think there is a nap in my near future. So, until next time, have a great week!

First Week of Classes, Self Image Issues, and a Meatless Monday

With my first week of classes finally done, I have a little bit of time to sit back and reflect on how I've been coping with dieting at school. Overall, I would say that I have been pretty successful. I've found that if I know what events will lead to bad eating, I am able to compensate for them by eating healthy through out the day. I plan to weigh myself in the next few days, and I am positive that I will have lost over thirty pounds! It seems like I should have hit that goal a long time ago, but I need to look past my failures and move on to better things!

I have noticed that my self esteem hasn't been the greatest lately. Even though I have been losing weight I just feel so fat. My clothes are either too tight and cling to my rolls of fat. Or, they are too big and I look like a huge sloppy fat blob. I guess that at some point these issues will go away, but for now it just seems like I've made a lot of progress pounds wise but still look the same. It is frustrating to say the least.

Besides all of that, I have decided to challenge myself in a new way. My friend Gina has been a strict vegetarian for almost six years, so we made a pact with each other: I would stop eating meat for a week, if she would stop making negative comments about herself for a week. So far it has been two days without meat, and although I feel the same health wise, it will be nice to prove to myself that I am in control of what I eat. So, if this week goes well, I might try to give up other things for a week at a time! Any suggestions!?

I guess I better get back to work! I have a busy, but hopefully good week ahead!

Here we go! Day one of my senior year! I'm indescribably excited about starting my classes, and seeing some of my professors!

Dieting has still been going well! It really hasn't been too difficult so far! My friend Brooke has been a great diet buddy! I haven't weighed in a couple of days, so I'm excited for the time that I finally do!

My class schedule, however, seems to pose a challenge. On almost every week day, I have classes during the normal lunch hours. To fix this problem, my room mate Megan, and I are going to pack snacks to eat throughout the day and then we plan to head to the cafeteria for a light late lunch, after our classes.

Today's snack is homemade trail mix. The recipe is unique, but simple to make:

- Cheerios

- Unsalted Peanuts

- Raisins

- Dried Apples

- Dried Apricots

- Banana Chips

- Dried Pomegranate

Hopefully, it is as good as it looks!

Well, I'm off to my first day of classes!

Love you all!

What do you call an over weight monster? Obeast!

Day three of being back to school, and I am already seeing an improvement in my diet slump!

I really wasn't sure how being at school compared to being at home when it comes to dieting. At home, there is a lot more control over what kinds of foods I'm surrounded by, and I can exercise anytime that I want. But, at school, I have a lot more exercise options, and the Salad bar is always open!

I really enjoy being back at school. I have some of the most amazing friends, and I spent most of the summer wishing that I could see them more often. So, now that I can visit whenever I want, I'm kind of on cloud nine!

My stress levels are totally under control too. I haven't felt bogged down by financial problems or relationship problems at all since I've been here, which makes life in general easier! Typically, when I'm super stressed, my problem solving methods include cookies, brownies, pizza, and a lot of self pity. So, needless to say, when I'm stress-free being on a diet is a "piece of cake"!

I've eaten really well the past two days. I think I had more vegetables yesterday than I've had in a couple of weeks. My body loves healthy foods!

Exercise has come pretty easily so far too. All of the walking around campus is a good way to burn extra calories. My friend Corinne and I went for a short walk last night. We both had other places to be so it didn't last long, but it was enough to get my heart pumping, and we were able to do some much needed catching up!

That's about it for now! I will try to post a lot over then next few days before classes have to be my main priority!

Back to school and Starting Over

Hey everyone! Sorry for such a long hiatus!

I have been so busy with vacation, a wedding, and moving back to school, that I honestly haven't had much time to update!

But here I am, in my new dorm room! I am so excited for the next year of my life. I feel like its a time to start over. I am living with three amazing women and taking classes with amazing professors... and everything is just amazing!

So, hopefully my health habits can become just as amazing!

To be honest, they haven't been so great the past couple of weeks. After vacation I could never truly get back on my diet, and I was so stressed out that I didn't care.

I know that I've gained a little bit back... but the thing that I HATE the most about it, is that I have to write about it on here. I wanted to create this blog to focus on my weight loss successes... but it seems like lately, my overall tone is that of failure.

But that is about to change!

So, stick with me and get ready to see transformation! I hope that over the next few weeks, I can bring new light to what it means to be a happy, healthy, college student!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack

"Okay, lets take pictures of ourselves so next year we can be the same size or bigger"- Wendy

What a week! Big waves, water spouts, family theatrics... all in a good week at Geneva-On-The-Lake! I had a great time hanging out with family and friends.

We went swimming, did crafts... and, of course, enjoyed the good food both at home and on the Strip.

Which is why you are here, reading this... right?

Well, I ate... a lot.

It was hard not to. Being a food addict surrounded by all of your favorite foods is like being an alcoholic and spending a week in a bar. Not good!

I started the week off doing pretty well... which I think is ultimately what stopped me from gaining 25 pounds over the course of the week.

The problematic behavior started, in my opinion, because I started eating a lot of salt. At home, I never add salt to anything, and most of the foods I eat (even when I'm not dieting) are kind of low in sodium. So, even though I wasn't eating a lot calorie wise, I was retaining water, and gaining weight. Even though the I knew why I was gaining, the raising number on my scale was enough to make me totally let loose.

...and it felt so good!

As I mentioned before, I ate a lot. Hamburgers, fries, pizza, creamed chicken, and apparently a whole bag of sour patch kids (which is a story I'll save for another day).

For the first time in months, I totally let lose, and for once I don't feel too guilty about it. Sure, I gained a little weight (somewhere between 3 and 6 pounds). But that's okay, because it will come back off!

I had a good time, and for once in my life, I didn't let my problems with food control my life. I would consider that a successful vacation!

As promised...

... here is my final blog post before vacation!

After months of dieting and working out, I am about to come to a really important milestone! Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I look forward to my yearly trip to the lake, which is why it has always worked as a way to motivate myself to lose weight.

A few years ago, when I went on a successful diet, my aunt and I wrote our goal weights on rocks, and then buried them. When we returned to the lake a few months later, I dug up my rock, and realized that I had hit the goal that I set for myself.

It was a great feeling, which is why I am excited to say that, once again, I hit my Lake Erie Goal. Although I am no where near my final goal, this is a great first step!

Not only did I hit my goal, buy I surpassed it by 2 pounds, for a total of 27 lost!

I go back to school in a little over a month, and my goal by then is to be 35 pounds down. I am very confident in my ability to achieve this goal!

A lot of people have asked how I plan to stay on track while, at the same time, enjoying my vacation. I think I worked out a plan that will allow me to go a week without obsessive calorie counting! It comes with a price however! In order to be able to eat what I want, I have to make sure to get a ton of exercise including:

30 minutes of Stretching

1 hour of walking

30 minutes of Concentrated Swimming

1 hour of leisurely swimming

30 minutes of treading water

This seems like a lot... and I know that if I were to try to do this much exercise at home, it would never last, but when I made this plan, I took into account the fact that I already spend a lot of time in the water, and a lot of time walking everyday, as it is. I think in reality, I may get more exercise than this...and swimming at this size burns a ton of calories!

Anyways, I'm pretty sure that the next time you hear from me, I will be back from my trip... and hopefully the time goes slow!

Here is a really good blog that I found that has tips for eating healthy in all kinds of situations, such as ball parks and movie theaters! Enjoy!

http://adviceforeating.blogspot.com/

Triggers

So, I am happy to report that I have had a pretty successful week so far! I haven't had a binge for about a week which is really motivating!

On Thursday I weighed in with a three pound loss, which put me at my goal weight for vacation! So, I was pretty excited about that! The thing is though, I weighed in after not eating all day, and Wendy's scale weighs at one pound less than mine. So, getting my own scale to reach that number before Saturday is my current goal.

As I have mentioned before, I only seem to binge at my mom's house. I'm staying with her for a couple of days, and before I came, I thought about telling her to put away the stuff that typically start a binge. They include:

Little Debbie Cakes

Candy

Cereal Bars

Canned Spaghetti

Vegetable Soup in a Can

Anything that I can bake

Looking around though, I don't see any of my usual triggers lurking around... so I feel confident in my ability to no binge.

This week is filled with excitement (I'm leaving for vacation Saturday), but also a little bit of sadness. My cousin Charlotte's brother-in-law, Brian, was in a Kayaking accident yesterday and passed away. He was only 21, my age. Charlotte's husband, Matt, is currently in Afghanistan and is expected to be home in the next few days, but please keep their family in your prayers. They lost their father a few years ago, it seems like too much tragedy for one family.

I hope everyone is having a great week! I'll be sure to post again before vacation!

Disgusting

So, today I discovered something disgusting about my mom. She mixes chocolate syrup into her yogurt.

She mixes chocolate syrup into her yogurt and weighs less than one hundred pounds, while I eat half servings of low fat yogurt as desert and weigh about twice what she does.

Disgusting...

Day One

It is one-thirty in the morning... I am strung out on diet coke...and I am angry.

For the past two days I've done awesome. I have exercised, eaten healthy and all of that other stuff I am supposed to be doing. That lasts until about 9 p.m. and then it is binge city from there on.

Okay first of all uses the term "Binge City"? That clearly shows my distressed state of mind. Second of all, why is this happening?

Although I am terribly angry at myself for this, these aren't the kind of binges that ruin a diet. They are however the kind of binges that teach me just how little control I have over this monster inside of my body.

Even though I'm angry and I fear the results that I will get at the scale, I have come to a couple of realizations during these past two nights, that may help me along the way.

First of all, I figured out that the only time I binge is when I am at my Mom's house. Over the past few weeks, literally every binge that I've had (which thankfully there haven't been many) has occurred here. My first inclination would be to blame it on the fact that she always has a good stash of junk food here. But, the thing is, at my dads house I haven't even thought about over eating. Maybe its the fact that when I'm at my mom's I spend a lot of time in the living room which is right next to the kitchen? I'm not sure, but this information may help me to plan in the future.

My second observation, is that I feel totally sick after I binge these days, like barfing sick. I've always said that I can eat and eat and not feel sick, but something about going weeks without so much junk food makes me more sensitive to it. The last thing I want to do is build up tolerance to that shit again, which is why this has to end.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my day one all over again. I will hit my vacation goal weight. I will hit my back to school goal weight, and most importantly I will hit my final goal and keep it off!

I have no other options.

13 days and counting!

In thirteen short days, this is where I will be! My favorite place in the whole world, with my favorite people in the whole world. Life doesn't get much better than that!

I have a weight loss goal that I would like to reach by then, and thanks to a four pound loss on Thursday, I am only about three pounds away! So exciting!

Today, my friend Brooke asked me if I am nervous about eating on vacation. The answer is yes, more than anything. The thing is, at home I binge for a couple of hours at a time (like all of that cheese cake I had tonight... yikes!). On vacation, however, I tend to binge for a week at a time. That could make it hard to get back on a diet.

My plan... is to make a plan. I know I'm not going to go to the lake and eat salad all day. I don't want to deprive myself. If I can just let myself eat the good food, and avoid bingeing... then all of the exercise that I will get should make up for the Eddie's Grill french fries and the Katie's Corner Ice Cream Cones!

Anyways, as I said a few paragraphs ago, I weighed in with a four pound loss on Thursday! That makes for a total of 21! I had my mom take a picture on her camera, so as soon as I find her USB cord I'll upload it!

I hope everyone is having a good week! Love you all!

Time for a Post I Guess?

Sorry for the shortage of updates! I guess I feel like the last few days of dieting have been pretty monotonous. I eat the same things every day, exercise on the same schedule every week. Listen to the same music while I exercise. Kinda boring.

I can feel my body changing though, which is encouraging. I'm still obviously whale-sized, but my face seems to be thinner, and my hands too. Normally I lose weight in my legs right away, but this time it seems to be coming off of my upper body. That's fine with me!

The thing that's been hard lately, is realizing that I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life. When I get to my goal weight, I can't let myself believe that I can go back to these bad habits. If I do, I'll be in the same position I was a few weeks ago (fatter than ever). The good thing though, is that I have the power to look at the weight that I used to be, and make sure that I never reach that weight again.

Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough credit. I think that my problems are out of my hands, they are to big for me to deal with. But the truth is, all I can do is take it one day at a time.

I had a rough night tonight. I ate healthy all day, and then I let my self have desert for the first time in a while. It fit really well into my calorie limit, but that little bit of sugar kind of put me into binge mode. Not only do I feel guilty, but I just feel physically sick, and I know that when I wake up my head is going to hurt and that I'm going to be tired. But, in order to overcome this stumbling block, I have to remember that just a few weeks ago, I was bingeing every day. I seriously ate all day long, so much that I never really felt hungry. I've improved so much from then, and hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

2 binges in five weeks is pretty dang good, and I should be proud of that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am so excited to see where I will be in another few weeks. It can only go up from here!

Success!

So, I don't have much time to write, but I thought I should report on tonight's meeting! I'm down three more pounds which is a total of 17! So, hopefully by next week I can post my 20 pound picture!

I really have to run, but I'll post again in a few days!

A new day!

I'm happy to report that I am doing much better since my last long, depressing post! No more bingeing and I'm eating healthy and exercising again! The scale is showing some pretty good results too, so I am kind of excited for Thursday's weigh in!

On Friday, after I calmed down, I set a few more goals for this week.

1. Plan Five New Menu Items- I sometimes feel like I eat the same things every day so I decided to add some more foods into the rotation.
2. Stop eating before 9 - I tend to have my last snack of the day around 10 or 10:30, which is just in general a bad idea! So... no more!
3. Write a letter to myself. I've heard about this before but I've never really done it. After my bad day last week, I kept thinking a lot of things about my weight and my eating habits. Before the end of this week I intend to write some of those things down! I'm sure I'll post it too!

Apart from these goals, I revamped my work out plan. It was good for a couple of weeks but I kind of got bored so I decided to make some changes. First of all, I always do cardio in the morning. Before, I would do cardio in the morning a few days a week and do it in the even the other days. Then, I would do strenghtening every day in the morning or evening as well. Now, I do cardio in the mornings and three days a week I do strenghtening in the evening. The other two days I do more cardio. Then I have Sundays and Thursdays off. I realize this is confusing... so this is what it actually looks like:

• Sunday: No Exercise.
• Monday: Morning Cardio, Evening Arm Strenghtening
• Tuesday: Morning Cardio, Evening Cardio
• Wednesday: Morning Cardio, Evening Cardio
• Thursday: No Exercise
• Friday: Morning Cardio, Evening Leg Strenghtening
• Saturday:Morning Cardio, Evening Ab Workout

So for now this is good. I will probably change it up a little bit in a couple of weeks, just to keep it interesting.

I'll try to update again before Thursday! I think this blog really helps! Hope everyone is having a good week!

I don't know where to begin. Today marks the end of the third week of this diet, (I know I don't like that word, but its easier to type than anything else), and up until today I was doing great! I was eating really well, exercising every day, and feeling really healthy. And I was losing really well. I was twelve pounds down and really happy about it.

So, this week, I worked just as hard. I counted calories and did all of my goals, so in theory I should have lost really well. Two days ago I was three or four pounds down from the last official weigh in. But the past couple of days, even with good workouts and eating habits, I have slowly put some of that back on. This morning, when I weighed myself, I was only a half a pound under what I was at fat club last week.

That stressed me out.

I went to the mail box a little while later, and found my cell phone bill. $383!! Are you kidding me? Apparently I used an unbelievable amount of data, which I find suspicious seeing that I hardly ever use the internet on my phone, and defienitly not any more than I have in the past!!

That stressed me out.

Also in the mail was my fall preview statement from Malone. It was way higher than I anticipated. The same thing happens every summer, and God always takes care of it. But it still makes me nervous.

And it stresses me out.

So okay, all of that happened but I was still okay. I ate a piece of candy and had a few more grapes than I should have, but I was still under control. I kept thinking thing like "I can binge today and get right back on this diet tomorrow." But then I would remind me that that is how Satan wants me to think. So at that point I was still okay.

I went to the Fat Club and was pleasantly surprised to learn that I lost two pounds for a total fourteen. My goal was three, but compared to the half a pound I was expecting, I was pretty happy. I always forget that her scale is a little bit different than mine.

Okay... so at this point I should have been off the hook. I lost weight... and I know that everything else will be fine but I guess that wasn't enough to stop me from going off the deep end! Wendy, my Grandma and I went to Wendy's for dinner, which I am happy to say is becoming a fun tradition. I added a baked potato to my salad, which should have been the first sign of trouble.

Afterwards I went back to Wendy's house and then drove home. To get home, I pass both of the fast food restaurants in my town, so as soon as I pulled out from Wendy's house I started thinking about what I could buy at Mcdonalds to binge on.

I knew that I shouldn't... but sometimes that just doesn't matter. Sometimes people fail to listen when I try to explain that I am truly addicted to food. If I started binge drinking... they would believe I was an alcoholic, and if I stared smoking crack, well... you know. But when I say that sometimes my need to overeat is so strong that I can't control it, people assume that I am being dramatic.

A double hamburger, small order of fries and Rollo McFlurry is all the proof that I need that I am not being dramatic at all.

My binge didn't end there... but I wont go into details. Luckily, my mom has been keeping junk food out of her house, so I didn't do as bad as I could have done, but I still feel guilty and disgusting and scared.

I'm scared that when I wake up tomorrow this diet will be over. I'm scared that all of the hard work that I've put in the past few weeks was worthless. But most of all, I am scared that there is something so powerful that has control over me and that I may never really regain control of myself.

I'm not sure this binge is even over. But I am pretty sure that I got it out of my system. I'll update tomorrow and let you know how it goes... wish me luck?

Tick Tick Tick

Experts say that it takes about 21 days to make a habit. Thursday will mark the 21st day that I haven't gone on a bingeing spree, so hopefully I can make it that long and kiss my bad habits goodbye.

Lately though, I feel like I could slip into binge mode at any moment. I know that if I have just one cookie, I'm done.

I went shopping with my Dad, and once again I tried to think of something good that I could get... for desert or a treat, that I wouldn't binge on.... nothing. I can honestly say that if it has sugar, I will binge.

So for now I'm gonna try to resist temptations... we will see how it goes.

Pa tate oh's Pa tot oh's

So, this is what I had for dinner tonight... sort of. After not eating all day, and having a successful weigh in at the Fat Ranch (more on that later), Wendy and I went to Wendy's Restaurant where once again I had an amazing salad followed up with a Vanilla cone from McDonald's.

After coming home and calculating my total caloric intake for today, I realized that I was well under the amount of calories I've been aiming to eat in a day. (1200-1500) So, I did what any lover of food would do, I did the math and found out that I could have a couple of baked potatoes, and still only be at about 1100 calories.

One reason I uploaded these pictures is that, the potato sack said that one potato is 110 calories. See the problem? One potato is clearly three times the size of the other! So, I'm hoping that the big potato is the one with 110 calories and the little one is more like... 70? Who knows?

Another reason that I added this picture is that it is kind of a metaphor for this whole diet thing. On the left, is who I am, large and awkward. On the right is who I want to be, little... skinny...petite? Okay that was lame...

Uhh anyways. I went to fat club tonight, as I mentioned before, and I lost 5 more pounds!!! So... that's 12 total! I've decided to photograph myself after every 10 pounds... so here is a picture from tonight! I'm still just as fat as the last time, which is obviously to be expected, but hopefully after a couple more pictures, the difference will be evident!

I have some other things I want to start writing about so maybe I'll do that tomorrow!? But for now, have a nice night! Happy Eating!

Finding Balance

One thing that has always been important to me while on a diet, is that I find balance in my eating habits. As tempting as it is to eat 400 calories a day, and exercise non stop, so that I will lose all of this weight really fast, I know that it's not realistic, and definitely not something that I can maintain for the rest of my life.

I try to avoid calling this a "Diet" because the concept of being on a diet is really stupid for a couple of reasons. First of all, everyone is on some sort of a diet. The word diet simply refers to the way that a person eats. So, even during times when I eat sugar for every meal, I am on a diet. Another reason "Dieting" is stupid, is that when people go on new diets, they typically hit their goal weight and then go right back to the way they used to eat. And then they gain weight, which is why I'm trying to make realistic changes to the way that I eat so that I can not only lose the weight that I want to lose, but also be healthy for the rest of my life.

The past couple of nights, I have had a couple of challenges. On Saturday, my dad decided that he wanted to order Pizza for dinner. Luckily, I had been eating well enough that I could have some of it. However, instead of eating my usual four pieces, I had two and I cut out my night time snack. Not only was I satisfied after the pizza, but my whole diet wasn't wrecked like it could have been.

Last night, my mom wanted to make steak and rice for dinner. So, I ate appropriate portion sizes and added a salad. Once again, I had a good meal without being unhealthy.

I'm trying to control my diet instead of letting it control me. I want to get to a place where eating is something that I do to stay alive, not something that I do to achieve happiness or comfort, or something that I avoid doing to improve the way I look.

It is all just part of this journey that I'm on... I'll let you know when I eventually find that kind of Balance.

Victory!

I just got back from the big fat club meeting! I was thrilled when I stepped on the scale and found out that I lost seven pounds. I was aiming for five, so it was really great! I think it is just the motivation I need to stick to this diet for a while!

For the main part of the meeting me and Wendy (who also lost seven pounds) were the only ones in attendance. We weighed in, and talked about goals and rewards before heading down to Wendy's, the restaurant for dinner. Just recently I was mourning the fact that I couldn't eat the oh so good, calorie packed, spicy chicken sandwiches from there. Well, tonight I discovered that they have spicy chicken Cesar salads. So good!

After that we headed over to Mcdonalds for some fat free frozen yogurt, more proof that eating right doesn't have to be painful.

On the way back home, I stopped back at Mcdonalds. My original plan was to get a small frappachino, but since I had the ice cream I decided to go for a sugar free vanilla iced coffee instead. With only 90 calories, it is pretty much guilt free, and a nice way to end my first week on a diet.

This week, I added two new goals to my list. First of all, I made a new exercise routine that I plan to stick to. It consists of about a half an hour of cardio a day plus a half an hour of either pilates or weights. Also, I want to get on a good sleep schedule this week. Adding structure is absolutely necessary if I want to build a healthy lifestlye.

So, I'm happy and motivated! I'm going to take my dog on a short walk, and then hit the sack so that I can get my crazy sleeping habits under control!

Bye!!!

Okay so I had a Cookie...

Tonight for dinner, my mom and I walked to Subway (which is like a forth of a mile away) for dinner. I love how good Subway is, and how healthy it can be!

I hadn't really had a lot to eat before that so when my mom decided to buy five Subway cookies, I knew I would be able to have one.

Although I'm sure some of you may think that this is ludacris, who eats cookies on a DIET, I think that it was a diet victory. I had ONE cookie, instead of all five and I ate the cookie because I wanted a cookie, not because I was on an out of control binge and couldn't stop myself.

Good day for health, good day for happiness!

Here is a playlist of some of the music I've been listening to during my workouts! It is by no means an exhaustive list, but it is full of music that keeps me energized! If you have any suggestions about music to add I'd love to hear them!

Taco Tuesday!

Here we are, day five! They say that the first three days are the hardest, but I'm not so sure that's true. I think the hardest days are yet to come, but for now, this diet thing is going pretty well.

I think I have a pretty good routine worked out, and since I love following schedules, it's been really good for me:

Wake up

Eat breakfast- I've been having cheerios and fruit or a fruit and yogurt parfait. The key is the fruit.

Exercise for about 30 minutes.

Lunch a few hours later- Vegetables are the key here!

Around 5 I have a snack, so fruit or carrots or yogurt.

Dinner is between 6 and 7

Then I have a snack around 9:30 or Ten.

I realize that this schedule isn't perfect, and it certainly won't last once I get back to school, but I've noticed that it has led to a few other habits.

First of all, I've been drinking a lot of water. My morning workout leaves me so thirsty! I probably drink about 5 bottles a day. Also, I've only been letting myself have one can of Diet Coke a day, at dinner time, but it tastes so much better now that I'm not throwing back one after another like I had normally done.

Also, I have a lot more energy lately, which causes me to actually want to exercise in the evening. All in all, I probably exercise for about an hour a day, which just gives me more motivation to eat better. It's a cycle, which is much better than the "Binge, Depression, Binge" cycle that my body is used to.

I feel really good and happy, which is undoubtedly a result of the healthy choices that I've been making. I don't really understand how I allow myself to walk around like a zombie most of the time, when feeling better is actually pretty easy. I suppose that's what addiction does to you, right?

Oh that reminds me, I keep thinking about looking up books about addiction on the library website. The problem is that, if I get books about food addiction, it will highlight to the librarian that I'm fat. If I just get books about regular addiction, I will be labeled as a crack head.

I weigh in in about two days! I'm excited for the next meeting of Fat Club and I think I'll do well!

Before I go I want to leave you with a recipe that I created for dinner tonight... Its a healthy version of taco salad, it was so good!

Ingredients:

- One pound of ground turkey.

- One packet of Taco Bell taco seasoning.

- Lettuce

- Grape Tomatoes

- One onion

- Reduced fat Taco Cheese

- Salsa (I used Paso)

Instructions:

Okay so, basically, it is made just like normal tacos, except instead of ground beef, which has tons of fat and calories, you use turkey which is much better for you. You brown the turkey, add the seasoning, add about a handful of cheese, and then add as many vegetables as you want! Also, the whole jar of salsa only has 140 calories, so feel free to use as much of that as you want too! Oh, and lose the shell, it has more calories than it is worth!

I know what you are probably thinking. "Turkey? Yuck!" but I promise you, I've been replacing ground beef with turkey a lot lately, and you can't tell the difference at all. My mom opted out of the turkey tacos until I confessed to her that the meatloaf I made for dinner a few weeks ago was made out of turkey, she was shocked...

Anyways, I hope this post isn't too long and boring. I will be sure to update you on Thursday after the big meeting/weigh in!

Day one and then Some.

(This pretty much happened to me once.)

At about 12:30 a.m on Friday morning, I walked over to my cousin Emma's bag of parade candy, picked up a piece...and then realized that I couldn't have it. I didn't even really want the candy... it was just a habit, but the deprivation that I felt at that moment is something that I have become to familiar with over the years of dieting that I have done.

I put the candy back, and went to bed. The next morning, the deprivation continued.

I ate really healthy yesterday, oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch, turkey for dinner, and I got a lot of good exercise while cleaning out the toy room at my Grandma's.

The whole day, I just kept thinking "I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like this, I can't be miserable just because I'm not bingeing." I really want to make changes that will last forever, but it's hard not to go overboard when I so desperately want to lose weight.

So, although my diet went well, my mood sucked!

Today has been better though. I haven't spent the whole day thinking about the things I can't eat. I think that keeping busy will be the key.

I woke up today and got in my 30 minutes of exercise and I've already had a ton of water and fruits and vegetables. Sticking to this weeks goals is going to be easier than I expected. I might try to make some more challenging goals for next week. Walk my dog three times a week? Climb Mt. Everest? Who knows!

In the next few days, I know I will start to feel healthier and more energized so for now all of the negative feelings I have about being on a diet are worth it.

Hopefully the next few days will go just as well. I want to be five pounds down by next Thursday. I haven't been weighing myself, because I want the reward of seeing my new weight after a week of dieting.

I'll post again in a couple of days! I hope all of my dieting friends are doing well!

In the Beginning

Well, here it is. I have to admit that I'm bigger than I thought! Yuck! Not only is this a hideously huge picture of me, but tonight when I stepped on the scale... I was about ten pounds bigger than I thought, which is really discouraging.

Tonight was the first meeting of "The Ranch" a.k.a. fat club. So far..so good. We each made a few goals to concentrate on this week.

Mine were:

1. Eat fruits and vegtables every day.
2. Get up in the morning and exercise for 30 minutes.
3. Drink water, and lots of it.

I tried to make goals that were realistic. I know that I'm not going to exercise three hours a day for the rest of my life... so I'm not even going to try. Eventually, once I gain more energy I'll work up to more.

Tomorrow is the big day. As I've mentioned before... I'm nervous.

I think that I have just failed so many times, that I don't have a lot of confidence that I will succeed this time.

I feel like a drug addict, except instead of being addicted to cocaine or alcohol... I'm addicted to a drug that I have to feed my body every day. That's why I'm so nervous. Food addiction is a monster that nobody can understand unless they have experienced it.

I know how to lose weight. I know that bananas have 110 calories and apples have 80. I know that french fries are full of grease and sugar is ...well sugar.

What I haven't been able to figure out though... it how to defeat the monsters in my mind that want me to stay fat. The ones who crave carbohydrates and constantly remind me how long and hard this journey is going to be.

When I wake up tomorrow, I'll be continuing the most difficult battle of my life. Maybe I'll have success, or maybe I'll fall flat on my face..but either way I have to try.

When I look back at the picture at the top of this page I want to be able to say that she is the girl that I used to be.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated, and I will be sure to update tomorrow to fill you in on the first day!

The Last Meal

Okay so, I was going to call this post "The Last Supper" because that is obviously more catchy than "The Last Meal", however, I thought the last meal was more appropriate, given that it is what they call the final meal for inmates on death row.

And thats what I'm on...death row.

I went shopping with my parents tonight (bad situation when I'm trying not to by comfort food), and filled my cart with all the food that I plan to eat on this grand "diet" that I'm about to endure.

My goal was to avoid buying any food that I would binge on. The result of this goal is that I realized that, with the right amount of stress, I will binge on just about anything. I ended up getting enough "healthy" food to last me for awhile, but since I still have about 24 hours until the big day, I've been planning out exactly what I'm going to indulge on tomorrow.

So, here it goes:

- Breakfast- is pretty open, cereal?

- Lunch- Potato Skins, covered in sour cream. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

- Dinner- I have a lot of options for this, but I'm thinking fast food. It's probably the worst thing that I could ever eat, so I better get it out of my system.

- Other- I need to make sure to get cappichino, and a bunch of chocolate.

Okay, thinking about this food actually makes me feel sick. Tonight for supper I had these amazing chicken wings from Walmart and a big bowl of strawberry shortcake (hence the picture). But worry not, by the morning I'll be ready to go for my last day of good food.

In other news... I bought new headphones today... a must have if I'm going to do any exercise!

I realize that this was probably the most boring post I ever could have written, but it needed to be done. I'm surprisingly excited to start this new lifestyle, no matter what I may be leaving behind!

My Journey Thus Far

Alright, so I decided that I should officially start this blog by writing about my weight loss journey so far... which inevitably has started and stalled with weight gain.

There was a point in my life where I realized I was fat... not just chubby, not just slightly overweight but fat. I was probably in about forth or fifth grade when I realized that I was bigger than other kids but it wasn't until I was in middle school that a doctor told me that I needed to lose weight. This was the first time that I made an attempt to lose weight. I was on my school's basketball team so, with all of the exercise, I lost about ten pounds. Unfortunately, I put it all back on plus some, as soon as the season was over.

When I was fourteen, my parents separated and I was left to take care of all of my nutritional needs on my own. This was the first time I went on a diet. Looking back, I wasn't nearly as fat as I thought and the effects this diet had on my metabolism are probably a big part of why I've gained so much weight over the past few years. Nonetheless, I once again lost a little weight on that diet...and once again I put it all back on.

Soon after, I started dieting with my Aunt Wendy, who has been my diet buddy ever since. We joined a club called T.O.P.S. and for the first time, I was actually losing weight. I lost about 35 pounds and I felt better about myself than ever.

This weight loss hit it's peak during the summer between my Sophomore and Junior years of high school. I remember being on vacation, in a two piece bathing suit and for the first time in my life I didn't feel self-conscious. I didn't love my body but I felt comfortable being around my family without covering up, like I had normally done.

At the end of that summer I went on a huge shopping trip. I bought a whole new wardrobe of smaller, more stylish clothes than I had warn in years. Going back to school, I was constantly being complimented on how good I looked, which boosted my self confidence tremendously.

Something happened though, I let my guard down. One cookie lead to one pack of cookies. One pound led to ten... and slowly but surely I ballooned up to a weight that my body had never seen before.

Since then, I've tried it all. Weight Watchers, Curves...all of it. I've lost weight...and then gained it, and I've decided that this time I am going to do it. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being uncomfortable, unenergized, and depressed.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to meet with another support group. Hopefully this time it will be different. My "diet" starts on Friday, and although I'm nervous, I'm determined to succeed this time, once and for all!

Before I go, I just wanted to share a blog with you guys. It's called 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat, and it is amazing! The author is so real and honest and it is hilarious!

Check it out!: http://101reasonsihatebeingfat.blogspot.com/

This is Me.

So... this is me. Pretty right? Yeah...pretty gross. Fat, Obese, Extra Large, Blimp.. You name it, thats me.

I haven't always been fat. In fact, my mom loves to tell everyone how tiny and perfect I was as a newborn. Looking back at pictures from my childhood, I was pretty average sized... until about second grade. By third grade, I was tipping the scales at one hundred pounds...and it's all been down hill from there.

I'm starting this blog, because I have a goal.

I will graduate college in less than a year, and I want to hit my goal weight by the time I walk down the isle in my cap and gown to get my diploma! In order to do that, I need to eat better, exercise, and deal with the emotions that cause me to over eat and constantly fail.

Over the next 50 plus weeks, I am going to write about my journey...my successes, fears and failures, so that hopefully I can overcome the mental blocks that keep me from being the happy, healthy person that I want to be.

The picture above is obviously my "beginning" picture. I'll post more pictures as I go, and hopefully they will get smaller and better looking!

Thanks for reading! Wish me Luck!